My Name Is Jeremy And I Am What I Am

It took me a long time to admit that I was an alcoholic. The theory behind it was pretty sound. I drank too much, I made an asshole out of myself, burned a few bridges, passed out, woke up and started the whole sick cycle carousel all over again. This isn't anything strange if you have seen it and you aren't so codependent that you could justify it. No the “long time” aspect of the disease in general was due to the fact that I never had really finished myself off properly, and had to keep destroying my life, to finally get to where I needed to be.

Unfortunately where I need to be was 19 years old, living in a strange city and starting a new job that was beneath me or anyone else that wasn't at rock bottom. The hopelessness had to sink in and then I had to accept that I needed to fix me for nobody other than me. That sounds easy enough to most people, but there is where the problem of alcoholism lies, because we tend to not be most people, so the solutions to our problems as simple as they would appear to someone else is pretty damn difficult to us.

When you finally do get in tune with whatever form of self improvement you are working on, then you have to deal with your social inadequacies, or just add them to the list of excuses that you use to stay damaged. In my case I had to come to grips with the fact that everyone has feelings and emotions and just because I was an alcoholic didn't mean I cornered the market on them. I also had to realize that the way I dealt with feelings and emotions was completely and utterly self destructive. This made for a much greater set of problems that it took me many years to come to grips with. I liked to believe that I was the last person in line, while at the same time understanding that I thought I was the center of the universe.

This is where the humility came into it all for me. That “power greater than myself” whether I chose to call it God or anything else, wasn't just something to pull out of your bag of tricks when you needed someone or something to blame for why I was so screwed up. I was so screwed up because I used my free will to do things that were stupid. Pretty simple when you think about it, but to someone who considers themselves the center of the universe and placed no value on anything greater than them, it was a complicated issue, that required the humility to accept that I ain't all that.

This was where I finally had the chance to make something out of myself. Actually it was my first and perhaps last opportunity to make anything out of myself aside from a falling down, stinking, filthy drunk. In theory I was already pretty good at that, and again I hadn't even made it to a legal drinking age yet. Beyond the obvious my biggest issue was that there was never going to be enough alcohol to fix what I wanted to fix inside myself, and I was never going to stop trying to get there anyway. This was where I had to turn to God, because on the off chance that there isn't a God (which to me really isn't up for a debate) I did in the end realize that God helped me to stop drinking, and start on a path to a better life.

How could I come to this conclusion, in all of the haze that was the first few years of freedom from alcohol? The answer is pretty simple. God was the only entity that I asked for help, and actually did help me. In that aspect I don’t have to know that there is a God, or there isn't a God. The faith that I was able to be a better person, and grow both mentally and spiritually has very little to do with all of the “life” crap that has happened between now and then. I can have a bad day or a good day. I can wake up angry, sad, happy, confused, disheartened, furious, joyous or one of over a million ways, and that is only the beginning of the new day. It rarely ever ends the same way it started and I would have it no other way. Of course I wouldn't know any other way at this point, and for that I truly thank God.

Of God and Reality and Especially Both

Do you ever just find yourself completely consumed with the afterlife? I do quite often I am sad to say, and often my conversations with God would force some around me to question my sanity. As with anything else in our lives, the micro management of what time we do or do not have left on earth has got to enter into it now and again. Of course I do believe in a God of my own understanding, and probably more for scientific reasons than purely faith. I do have faith that there is something beyond all this, but on the other side of the coin I just don’t like a lot of scientific theory either.

When I was a child for example I was fed the company line of “the rain-forest will be gone in twenty years” and nearly forty years later the last Greenpeace mission to survey the Amazon rain-forests have yielded that about 3% are gone. It also yielded the founder of Greenpeace to quit, because he felt stupid over it all. This was “settled science” though when I was a kid and my children got the same load pressed on them. By pointing out to them that it had been more than twenty years since I had been told this only reinforced what the teachers are trying to get across. Daddy lies and he’s an idiot. That’s modern science for you folks.

There was that big bang theory that I was taught somewhere between 8 and 12 years old. It was also a fact and the only reason I don’t remember exactly what grade I was first taught this was because it was also the first time I really sat down and thought about scientific theory. It got lost in those years because I realized that it sounded stupid, and I was just going to stick to my guns on that one. I could even relate to some of the scientific reasoning for it but after it was all said and done, I wasn't going to proclaim Christians, idiots for having a theory which was equally as provable. See what I did there? I took something that someone else called science and then I turned it into what it really is, faith, and compared it to something else that we call faith, but at the same time can call impossible.

I really don’t know. To be honest with you there are a lot of holes in science that are either filled by a zealot, or left to be dis-proven over time. The big bang theory is one of these things, so now if you cling to the big bang theory you are officially in the same boat as monotheists. Theoretically they could both be right or wrong, but the only way that science can be settled is when you have proven with 100% certainty that all other possibilities are false. Good luck with that one on the really big issues like climate, the universe, or even the presence of God. If you can eliminate all other possibilities to any of these things with 100% certainty you are on another plain of science. Most of the time the person who claims settled science is merely lying, which would prove a scientific theorem that the most possible answer to any problem is also the most probable.

In the end if you take a person like Bill Maher or Richard Dawkins who are so sure of their knowledge that there is no God that they can mock those that believe in God, then you would have to place them in the category of “faith” based theory as well. Their “faith” just makes them feel better about themselves in the here and now just as my faith is a God makes me feel better in the here and now. I would like to say that if you live your life as a good person who believes in God, just to find out that there is no God in the end, have you suffered any? There are people out there that would say you have but in many cases it is some form of their own failings that they are projecting onto others. If you live your entire life as a good person who doesn't believe in God and find out in the end that there is one, have you suffered any? Probably not, but you didn't get to live your life believing that those that deserve to go to Hell actually do, like I did. I wonder if God hates that about me?

The Two Hands of Help

Ever go through your feed on whatever social networking you happen to frequent and see a lot of people whining and complaining about things you have talked about? I imagine that there are two trains of thought on this, and I have fallen victim to both of them. The one hand would get bitter because you pointed out a remedy to whatever ails the person sitting on the pity pot, and the other hand would smirk at how the person sitting on the pity pot ignored you when you pointed out the remedy that ails them. A better person than I would just comment on the post with the same remedy that you have pointed out before, but I only play a good person in blogs.

I’m willing to admit that I am a jerk, so I gave up on the whole trying to help the helpless. This doesn’t mean that when I say, or write, or point out things it falls on deaf ears. It actually doesn’t, and I happen to be grateful to the people that thank me for something I said, or give me updates on their progress from something I shared. I know differently, and there are certain people in this world that really don’t want help, they just want an audience. I have learned to enjoy the smirk, even if it translates into the misery of others at times. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!

There are a lot of different types of people in this world folks. I can’t list all of them but a couple that need to be pointed out for the sake of sanity is “the needy” and “the helpful” which people get confused about. There are people who are genuinely needy and a hand up is all they need. They then take the opportunities and get on with their life, usually grateful for the assistance. Then there are those that are always going to be needy because it is in their nature, and all they do is suck the energy out of the helpful until there is no energy left for the genuinely needy. Hate to be blunt, but there is no honor in wasted effort.

If you don’t learn to dissociate from those that aren’t actually looking for help, and genuinely trying to live off of the pity of others then you will never have time. They are out there in spades, and it could end up being a Walking Dead episode in your own life. I hate to get biblical here but Jesus had a pretty good point when he said “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead,” which has helped me through many a bad scenario of allowing my own pity to cripple me. The “life” experience which to me was concluded from that passage out of Matthew was, “Our job is to carry the message to the living.”

Above all else in your life, let me give you this. I learned a long time ago in meetings I sat through to deal with my own problems, where everyone remains anonymous, that you need to take care of you. You need to trust God or whatever entity you place in the position of being more powerful than you. You need to help others because that is what makes you a human being, and not a human doing, BUT you need to be realistic as to who needs help and who doesn’t. Place a price on your time and understand if someone deserves to use that time or not. Some people are worth a billion dollars worth of Jeremy, and others aren’t worth a dime. At least for the love of God figure out who treats you with the same respect of time and energy you would like to give to them, before you give it to them.

Score One for Big Jeremy

If you look back on your life do you believe that you have accomplished everything that you were born to accomplish? I mean I realize that the last thing anyone really saw themselves doing when they got older is what they are actually doing. When the obvious had hit me, somewhere around the age of 25 that I wasn't going to be a rock star, a movie star, a master theologian, or the myriad of other things I had explained responsibility away with. The restaurant jobs I had supplemented dreaming with, had to come to an end. Responsibility was never my strong suit, and believe it or not there is a lot more responsibility that goes with a services job than people give them credit for.

Of course my childhood was never plagued with the dreams of being an extruder operator, an electro-mechanical assembler, or even a welder which made up the 20s of my life. The 30s got more interesting for a bit when I tried my hands at building Aegis systems, robots, and ovens for the Asian soldering industry, but again, this wasn't a dream or a nightmare to the little me I left behind. Neither were three divorces, well OK maybe since that’s how famous people live,  but I had always wanted the children, just living in a mansion collecting royalties. Then again, I had at least established that I was a pretty good worker when I wanted to be by that time.

Believe it or not the first job I had actually settled into and accepted as my own fate was being a janitor. I was good at it, not much was expected of me, and I had a lot of time to goof off. Pretty sad if you think about it, but I definitely didn't expect it to accidentally lead into a job as an MRO (maintenance, repairs and operations) which is corporate speak for “I buy stuff.” Nope I think back to when I was picturing myself as the lead singer of the biggest band ever, or the multi-talented screenplay writer, who coincidentally starred and directed in the movies because it was too important to leave to anyone else, to even the recluse writing great novel after great novel, and this just wasn't in there.

Well let’s get to the other things that weren't on the radar. Never thought I would be a raging alcoholic before I even made it to 21. Didn't think I would be sober since before I was 21 either. Talk about an accomplishment but that is an absolute affront to my nature. Who knew I would still do a lot of the dumb crap alcoholics who are drinking do while I was sober? Well it makes for interesting tales anyway. Who would have thought I would love my stupid job buying crap? Well the person who recruited me to do it did, so I have to give him the kudos on that one, and of course my wife who gave me the gentle nudges too.

All in all, the little Jeremy wouldn't like the big Jeremy. Aside from the fact that little Jeremy was a dummy, he also didn't know that there was anything else out there other than being a rock star, a famous athlete, a movie star or even someone who had died at the age of 27 like all the famous people in the sixties seemed to do. The good news is that the big Jeremy likes the big Jeremy, and the big Jeremy also understands now that the little Jeremy didn't know squat.

Now for a shameless plug. If you like to read whacky stuff, from a whacko like this guy, you can always find the random crap that flows through his mind at TheWhacko.Com. Thanks for making it this far!

What Happened to Aye Aye?

I took the picture myself and added the caption with my legally obtained copy of  photo-altering software. You can save it to somewhere on your computer and re-upload it to anywhere on the Interwebz. Link backs are not necessary. If however, you are a copyright troll, your presence here is totally unappreciated. So go away and go bother someone else. No love for the DMCA.

Aayisha had been in the local x.a. meetings for many years. She went back out after six years or so and then came back in for six more years. She was a gentle soul, the only one of my friends who was willing to visit my dad at our house-- some friends were willing to have me bring him to their houses though-- and the three of us enjoyed some sun-tea on the back deck one afternoon. Aye Aye treated Dad like he was my dad. Not like he was my Dad with a terminal neurological disease that was eating his brain. Not like he was my Dad who was escaping from his former life. Just like a regular guy who happened to be here. She gave him a rare gift that day.

Aye Aye earned six years of abstinence in the rooms of x.a. the second time but then she found another way to remain free from active addiction. Unfortunately, the other way was an organization which had the characteristics of a manipulative religion. [A cult, okay? The new words that are supposed to describe "cult" just don't do it for me]. I suspected that we had lost her several years before another friend did. That hurt.

Even so, a few good times remained. But then she stopped returning phone calls or answering her door. We knew she was home. She just refused to answer the doorbell. We were broken-hearted but there was little we could do about that. 

This past summer, Aye Aye signed up for hospice services from the same place that helped my dad. She died in early February peacefully in bed with her family around her.

drama queen man: "Did you hear what happened to Aye Aye?" 

me (beginning to seethe): "No. What happened to Aye Aye?"

drama queen man: "She committed suicide and police found her body in her car."

me: "Oh really. Who told you that?"

drama queen man: "Some guy told me. And he ought to know."

my housemate: "Huh?"

me (to housemate): "Information without names is bullshit."

drama queen man: "Her picture was in the paper and everything."

me: "Her picture was in the paper next to her obituary. Aye Aye was receiving hospice services. She died. At home. In bed. With her family around her."

drama queen man: "Wella--"

me: "If you spread that around, I will be very angry. And it isn't true besides. She did not kill herself."

drama queen man: "Oh you know me. I wouldn't do that."

But he was willing to make the claim to me. I guess he didn't realize that Aye Aye and I had ever been friends.

sapphoq itching for a coffee says: Before you open your fat mouth in the rooms of recovery or anywhere else about what you know, think is true, or what someone else "told" you, please consider your motives. Gossip is ugly.
Sometimes we do things to each other, in spite of our abstinence. Don't make my burden heavier because you want people to think who you are ergo you spread false information around.