Thursday, 27 June 2013

These Truths I Hold part 2

These truths I hold to be self-evident, in no particular order: Part 2:

30.  DOMA-- the Defense of Marriage Act-- was ruled as unconstitutional today by the Supreme Court.
31.  I haven't had any evidence so far of a stampede of people rushing to marry their pet horses or their favorite zoo giraffes.
32.  "If there were only gay people in the world, that would be the end of civilization" is not a true statement.  Some of us do it with volunteer donors or with turkey basters.  Yes, people who are not straight can and do have kids.
33.  Kids growing up in households where the parents are not straight do not have an increased percentage of "turning out gay" than kids growing up in households where one or both parents are straight.
34.  Religious straight people do not hold the monopoly on morality.  Religious people do not hold the monopoly on morality.  Straight people do not hold the monopoly on morality.
35.  Most pedophiles are in fact straight.
36.  I don't care for NAMBLA either.  I think civil commitment for life is a great idea for people who have been convicted of sex crimes with children. 
37.  The Supreme Court justices are there to interpret the secular law as it exists; not to tread on the toes of anyone's Almighty.
38.  I think the Government should get out of the marriage business altogether.  If two people get hooked by a religious clergy, that is marriage.  If they get hooked by a justice of the peace or a judge, that is a civil union.  Both should have the same rights, privileges, and responsibilities.  Papers that ask about marital status can ask, "Are you in a legally recognized household partnership?" instead.  Or: Single, Together, Divorced, Widowed.
39.  Civil rights for all civils. 

40.  Trolls are defenders of freedom of speech.
41.  Trolls ask the questions that everyone else is too polite to ask.
42.  Trolls with mad skillz are witty and endearing.
43.  Trolls are necessary to life.
44.  An internet without trolls would be a lifeless, dull thing.
45.  The trolls have trolled us by writing all that mean stuff on the internet about trolls.
46.  A wonderful troll forum gave us Anonymous.
47.  Whether you suck or not, you are bound to get trolled sometime.
48.  Trolls do it for the lulz.
49.  Troll the Government.

          ~ to be continued ~    


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

These Truths I Hold

These truths I hold to be self-evident, in no particular order:

1.  Bacon tastes better than pork chops.  Peanut butter and mayo sandwiches with or without pickles are weird.
2.  Micronesia islanders used to refer to human burgers as Long Pork.  Not exactly the other white meat.
3.  Pot-bellied pigs are cute.  But I will not have one myself.  Not enough meat.
4.  Moose stew is tastier than dead cow.  And I love dead cow.
5.  Moose meat has virtually no fat on it.  Folks in northern Maine who eat only moose can and do become malnourished.
6.  Cactus in Mexican red mole sauce is delicious.
7.  Rattlesnake is chewy.
8.  Frog legs do not taste like chicken.
9.  Neither do rabbits, even with bread crumbs grilled on a barbecue.

10.  NSA spokespeople talking about Ed Snowden being charged with the same sorts of things that the NSA does on a routine basis to the entire world is nervy, to say the least.
11.  The NSA and other agencies have been doing this sort of thing for years.
12.  Other countries do not consider Obama as "He Who Must Be Obeyed."
13.  Just because Ed Snowden was in Hong Kong and a Russian Airport, it does not follow that he sold "our" secrets to them.
14.  Ed Snowden has refugee papers from Ecuador.  Ergo, he does not need a three-day Russian visa.  Just saying.  News media and government pundits: get over yourselves.  Quit reporting that a three-day visa is needed and lacking/ and running out.  Misinformation is not sexy.
15.  Bullying whistle-blowers into silence does not work.  Arranging for a fiery car crash might.
16.  If you are planning to expose a shadowy organization or government, make sure you have information to be exposed should you suddenly "go missing."  Ed Snowden was smart to do that.  I would have done the same.
17.  All the journalists stuck in Cuba for three days is lulz.
18.  I've never met food in any airport that was any good.
19.  Americans in general appear to be good at holding on to outrage when it involves our lives but not the lives of others.  Where is the continued outrage at the N.S.A. and Boundless Informant and all the other nifty little programs and protocols?

20.  I've only known one non-meat eater who was overweight.
21.  I was once an economic vegetarian.  I ate meat at other peoples' houses.
22.  Monsanto sucks.
23.  Growing our own food has become a radical act.  Who knew?
24.  Lawns are an ecological wasteland.  I've been trying to kill mine off for years.  As another patch of the accursed stuff dies, I plant wildflowers and foodstuff in its' stead.
25.  Grass [not the kind you smoke] is invasive as hell.  I've seen grass sprouting up in the midst of deep woods.
26.  Treating your lawn with chemicals is dumb.  If you mow it all down, it's green anyways.  The little violets and stuff mixed in with my remaining lawn makes it tolerable.  Those chemicals kill off the little violets and stuff.
27.  Newly treated chemical lawns can poison your dog.  The proteins in the chemicals combine with the protein present in your dog's pads.
28.  People who leave their little signs up about their chemically treated lawns for longer than the required 24 hours fool no one.  Especially irresponsible dog owners who do not pick up after the four-footeds in their charge.  
29.  Dogs are not meant to be vegans.  Please don't force your ideological principles on them. 

                               ~to be continued~                      

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

These Words Are Bad, M'Kay

...and you might be a terrorist if you use any of them.

Don't talk about eating froglegs in your basement kitchen.
Like beanpoles or peapods? you've earned yourself
placement and the food there is not bitchin'.
If you write a review or a book report about Oliver,
don't mention the Artful Dodger-- no, no, no.
That is also forbidden.  If you remember English Bob
and "Why not shoot the President?" in the movie Unforgiven,
you yourself won't be forgiven and you won't be forgotten.
If you like Bugs Bunny or Elvis then you are rotten. 
If a geek friend or your computer dies, don't talk about
them going up to the Eternity Server in the sky. 
If you like maple syrup or toffee, you'd best 
keep that to yourself.  But we can't say why.
So stfu or get ready to go. 

If you've been to the Blenheim Dam, better
omit that fact when writing blog posts.
Don't take pictures of egrets, bluebirds, or
cornflowers, and certainly no spooks or ghosts
Having a canine you call Cowboy or Aliciaor mocking Kiwis or talking about cocaine
will get you on a plane to a place like Gitmo.
If your hair is curly, or you're curious about meta-tags,
gamma rays, or NASA you'll be sweeping the floors
of your prison cell.  Curiosity defines the new
criminal rebels, oh don't you know?  Talk of coding 
and chaining and the Internet Underground 
is frowned upon.  Move along now, move along.
So stfu or get ready to go.
If you keep your money in a bank, have an in-law 
named Mary Smith, or remember Monica who 
didn't have the sense to send her dress to the dry cleaners,
the Enforcers will be around to investigate you.
If you like quiche, tigers, gorillas, or condors
you are royally screwed.  
Don't read 2600 magazine; that's on the list.
Don't talk about the F.B.I. or industrial warfare,
you're getting the gist.  Attending Defcon VI is 
just plain wrong.  Talking about credit cards,
redheads, or Anonymous might make you
an enemy of the State.  Worrying about privacy
or information terrorism will seal your fate.
So stfu or get ready to go. 

Monday, 3 June 2013

Why Trolls Are Better Than Socks

1.  Socks are high maintenance.  You have to wash your socks.  You don't ever want to wash your troll.

2.  Socks are always serious.  Trolls do it for the lulz.

3.  Socks talk to each other out of desperation.  Trolls don't really care about the attention.

4.  Socks are emo-driven.  Trolls are rude, crude and indifferent.

5.  Socks never know what to do next.  Trolls are spontaneous. 

6.  Socks live in a drawer.  Trolls live in nature under bridges and in the troll forest.

7.  Socks are cheap.  Trolls cannot be bought.

8.  Socks are sexless.  Trolls are sexy.

9.  You can find socks in the discount bin.  Trolls are sitting on the shelves looking pretty.

10. Socks are fakes.  Trolls are genuine.  One does not have to give up one's wallet info in order to be genuine.

11. Socks get eaten by the washing machine.  Trolls eat washing machines.

12. Socks get mixed up.  Trolls always have all of their molecules arranged in the correct places.

13. Socks are woven constructs.  Trolls are as ancient as the rocks.

14. Socks seek recognition and approval from others.  Trolls don't care about that.

15. Socks are for wearing.  Trolls are a state of being.

16. Socks slouch.  Trolls have more fun.

17. Socks are serious business.  Trolls do it for the lulz.

18. Socks have to keep creating e-mail accounts.  Trolls don't have to do that.

19. Socks have to keep their many socks straight.  Trolls know who they are.

20. Socks suck.  Trolls swallow.

21. Socks shrink.  Trolls expand.

22. Socks take pride in victim culture.  Trolls have survived victim-hood and are now thriving.    

23. Socks run around trying to find answers.  Trolls ask interesting questions.

24. Socks are puny.  Trolls are punny.

25. Socks are fuming.  Trolls are funny.

26. Socks wear out.  Trolls just keep going and going and going.

27. Socks are stationary.  Trolls travel the world.

28. "Socks" is a common name for cats.  Trolls are larger than life and are a common name for nothing.

29. Socks don't love you anymore.  Trolls never did.

30. Socks hide behind religion as a means of self-justification of their existence.  Trolls hide behind nothing.

31. Dirty socks smell.  Dirty trolls are the norm.

32.  Socks can be abandoned.  Trolls are not as easily kicked to the curb.

33. Sock nets just get sloppy.  Troll nets catch lobsters.

A clammy disclaimer:  Oh my my.  I do it for the lulz.  If you think this post is about you, then take off your socks.  By the way, I have socks too.  But they don't talk to each other.  I have no mad troll skillz but I'm working on it.
Now, where's the coffee?