Follow Program Etiquette

      I walk into the room. The floor is already a mess even though the linoleum is less than two months old. The new paint is peeling where someone had ripped a taped sign off the wall. Dead mouse smell hits my nostrils. On the wax board in front of the room [a thirty two dollar wax board, sigh...group conscience] someone had scrawled the words Follow Program Edecate. I put my stuff down on the couch. I approach the wax board. The eraser has long ago disappeared. I wipe off the offensive words with a sleeve.

     Several years ago, some of the bleeding deacons decided that the new people who were now infiltrating the rooms in droves needed to be taught about what they referred to as "program etiquette." I thought that was a lousy idea. We already had chair people announcing things like don't cuss and turn off the cell phones [group conscience] at the beginning of each meeting. How many rules did we need here?

     Not to be denied, some of the folks from the district got together and began going around to different places and holding "workshops" on "etiquette." Yes, I went to one. One was enough. There was a slew of things that were offensive to the bleeding deacons:
          
          New people got up and down too much.

          They went to the bathrooms too much.

          They dared to leave the meeting to take smoke breaks.


          New people talked too much to each other during the meetings.

          They talked about day treatment, drug court, and other addictions when it was their turn to share.

          Some of them even left the meeting before the final prayer at the end.



          New people didn't understand anonymity.

          They talked about the meeting in the parking lot.

          They ratted on people to their counselors or to drug court.


     If these workshops had been renamed "Traditions Workshops" and the trads were presented as ideals to follow, I would not have had a problem. But the etiquette workshops were simply bitchfests with lecturers. Nothing good came out of them far as I could tell.

     I have a lot of time in. I've been abstinent for more than half my life. When I get up during a meeting to use the bathroom, I don't get the stares from the bleeding deacons. Kids have to ask to be excused from the room or from the dinner table. Adults at a recovery meeting do at times have to use the bathroom during the meeting. This should not be a big deal people.

     Yes, some of us are easily distracted. It ain't just the newcomers, folks. Yes, sometimes the room is too bright or too noisy or too smelly. Yeah, sometimes we need to stand up or stretch our legs a bit. If an adult wishes to leave a room for any reason, why is that anyone's business? Sometimes, a topic is hitting close to home and someone may need a break for that reason. Tobacco is an addiction, we are now told. If you don't smoke or if your smoking allows you to sit still for an hour without a cigarette, count yourself lucky.

     Is there a list of acceptable topics floating around that I haven't been told about? If I am worried or angry or think I will relapse over some person, place, thing, situation, organization, or other entity, isn't that fair game for bringing up at a meeting? "Hardly any recovery in this room," you say. I was told that if I thought something was going to cause me to mess up, that I could talk about it in the rooms. Whatever.

     There are a few more non-theists in the rooms than there used to be. The growing trend of young people who are un-churched is also reflected in the composition of people in recovery. Some of us choose to sit or stand during the final prayer. We don't want to be fake and say words that do not hold any meaning to us. Folks leaving before the final "amen" disconcerts me too at times. Bottom line: We don't have (all that much, if any) control over the behavior of others. I don't have to die on that particular mountain. Neither do you. A few people will leave before the end of meetings. Suck it up and deal with it. 

     Breaching of anonymity is a problem but it is not only the newcomers who do it. Some people who should know better call up drug court personnel and rat out the mandated people. This one goes to the bathroom too much. That one comes a few minutes late. The other one is sleeping. These two are seeing each other secretly on the side. And so on. The professional staff at drug court are at fault for listening. So maybe new folks in treatment are in the parking lot talking about what happened at the meetings. Is that any worse than those of us who know better going home and telling our spouses who was there or what was said? Different from a gang of recovering people in a restaurant talking about other recovering people? More terrible than the rumors going around concerning who picked up again, who slept with who, or who is getting a divorce? Awful-er than snitching to drug court? We who have been there have a responsibility to follow the spirit of tradition twelve as well as the letter.

     This is not an us versus them thing. This is not a newcomers against bleeding deacons recovery. We have a responsibility at meetings. We are the ones who can gently take people aside and explain some aspect of a tradition. We are the ones who can help a chairperson out by asking for quiet. We are the ones who can practice celebrating the new people instead of verbally attacking them for not "following program etiquette."

     Cell phones are an annoyance everywhere. The abrupt ringing is a problem in movie theaters and classrooms as well as in meetings. Cursing is something that may offend some of the older folks. As for the rest of your shitty rules, stuff them.

     We have no business directing when someone may take care of their bodily functions, take a cigarette break, or leave a room. We are not prison guards. We are not the be all and end all. When we fail to be polite and respectful of newcomers, we add another notch to the belt of problem behaviors in the rooms. One of these days, most of us will wake up and find ourselves dead. Those newcomers that you deplore will be left to carry on the message. What legacy are you leaving them?

sapphoq itching for a coffee and more

          
          

     

Spirituality?

     There appears to be people in recovery who "hate" religion far more than the strictest atheist. Religion is a special sort of bogeyman. It's fake. It's phony. It's organized and abstinent people truly cannot stand anything that imposes order upon chaos. Somehow, "spirituality" is supposed by some percentage of people in the rooms to be superior to "religion." But is it?

          

              "Pure religion and undefiled before                God and the Father is this, To visit                the fatherless and widows in their               affliction, and to keep himself                unspotted from the world."

                               - King James Bible "Authorized Version", Cambridge Edition

     http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/James-1-27/

     

I took the picture of the cat and altered it myself with my legally obtained copy of photo manipulation software. If you want the pic, right-click and save to "My Computer."  If you are a copyright troll, just go away. You are not welcome here.

     The etymology of the word "religion" is a matter of some dispute. Some say it derives from the Latin verb religare which is translated as to tie or to bind. Others say it is actually from the Latin verb relegere which is translated as to read over again.[http://atheism.about.com/od/religiondefinition/a/definition.htm].

     There is some sense about the word religion as having a relationship to or a belief in the supernatural-- or possibly the preternatural-- rather than natural explanations for events. Religion can also denote organized religion as in a particular sect which then indicates certain ways of recognition and worship of one or more divine beings or powers. From an evolution standpoint, rituals bind people into a cohesive unit of society. Religion offers connection to something bigger than oneself as well as an interconnection with other beings and a shared moral code.

     In the United States, some percentage of people define themselves as "spiritual but not religious." Some attend services which are part of a particular religion but make this claim in spite of that. Others reject out of hand all organized religions, becoming personal mystics in the process. These others may embrace anything related to the New Age without any recognition that there is good to be found in organized religions.
[http://atheism.about.com/od/religionnonreligion/a/spirituality.htm]

     Those who identify as "spiritual but not religious" are subject to the pitfall of black and white thinking. The notion that anything of a personal spiritual nature is "good" and that anything deriving from an organized religion is "bad" is a form of dualism. 

GNUatheist2 by sputnik.
http://pharyngula.wikia.com/wiki/Gnu_Atheists

     The etymology of the word spiritual is from the Latin, meaning wind or breath. [http://www.naturalism.org/spiritua1.htm]. From that working backwards in time, we find the Old French esperituel rendered as that which pertains to spirit, or that which pertains to breath. [http://www.naturalism.org/spiritua1.htm]. There is some suggestion of the words wind, breath, mind, soul, and spirit all referring to the same concept-- something inside a human which is divinely placed, capable of a relationship with the sacred, and tangled up with life itself. [http://www.positief-atheisme.nl/atheisten/frank_r_zindler/spirit_soul_and_mind.html].

     The word "spiritual" is akin to the word "religious"-- with or without the inclusion of organized religion-- in that people are looking to some transcendent being for explanations of their special purposes here on earth and, usually, an unknowable capital P plan. Although some naturalists cultivate what can be referred to as "spiritual experiences" within the realm of the here and now, others prefer that the natural world remain good enough.

     Whether one is a congregational participant in a particular religion or religious group or a homegrown mystic, the pull of superstitious explanations over scientific ones is the same. Science is hard work. Having to formulate questions, evaluate evidence, test and test again, and then subject the results to peer review is a process rather than a set of quick "answers."

     At this time, I don't recognize the concepts of "spirituality" and being "spiritual but not religious" as having validity. When "spiritual progress" or "spiritual but not religious" or "spirituality" or a similar topic comes up at meetings, I substitute words. Being an authentic human being without the masks afforded by active addiction is certainly something worth striving for. I seek out how to be the best humane human being that I possibly can be. 

I took the picture of the dog and altered it myself with my legally obtained copy of photo manipulation software. If you want the pic, right-click and save to "My Computer."  If you are a copyright troll, just go away. You are not welcome here.

     I can be good enough without any deities. I strive to be the human being that my dog thinks I am. The fruits of the spirit [http://www.esvbible.org/Galatians+5%3A22-23/] referred to in Galatians 5:22-23 are available to all of us, although atheists recognize that practice is involved with character-building rather than some sort of divine rendering. Being an authentic human being means knowing who I am and what my values are. Neither members of a religious sect nor those who count themselves as spiritual-- with or without such membership-- holds the monopoly on morality. Atheists have moral standards also. 

     As an atheist, I favor natural explanations over supernatural or preternatural ones. As an atheist, the marvels in the world as exposed to me by science [and mathematics] are wondrous. No gods are needed to explain the stuff of life. 

This has the look to me of Fibonacci.

     Very soon, I will be celebrating thirty four years of freedom from active addiction. There are no gods in my recovery. I have no capital H higher capital P powers. And I'm cool with that.

                ~sapphoq itching for several more coffees

     



http://www.secularhumanism.org/library/fi/hunt_19_3.html

http://atheisme.free.fr/Religion/What-is-religion-1.htm

http://atheism.about.com/od/religiondefinition/a/definition.htm

http://atheism.about.com/od/religionnonreligion/a/spirituality.htm

http://forward.com/articles/10776/roots-of-religion/

http://www.jstor.org/stable/3087765

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=religion

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=spiritual

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=spirit

http://www.naturalism.org/spiritua1.htm

http://www.positief-atheisme.nl/atheisten/frank_r_zindler/spirit_soul_and_mind.html

http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/James-1-27/

http://www.esvbible.org/Galatians+5%3A22-23/

http://pharyngula.wikia.com/wiki/Gnu_Atheists

Platitudes

     Yes, I have an elderly parent in hospice. He has been dying in pieces for over a decade. Now, it seems death is closing in on him.

          Hospice prevents religious nutcases working in the healthcare field from keeping terminal people alive long after natural death would have occurred. 

     Yes, I am an atheist with long-term abstinence from my addiction. I came into the rooms of recovery believing. Investigating creation myths from around the world for a Spanish class report got me thinking. I discarded the dregs of my past fundamentalism at last. I was free. Atheism has granted me a peace that I had never experienced. Thinking and evaluating were no longer enemies. Logic became a friend.

          Learning how to construct rational arguments and how to avoid cognitive errors are worthwhile endeavors.

     Yes, I am angry. I reject the twelve step idea that anger is somehow worse than any other emotion and should be stifled. There are no gods big enough to rearrange the anger that is inherent in human experience. Nor do I want that anger to be surgically removed. Anger has become my truest friend.

          Anger is my truest friend but not my only friend. My anger informs me that there is an opportunity for change within my community and the world. Why are you so afraid of your anger?

     Yes, I have been grieving my parent and his many loses which his neurological condition has taken. And the things that family members have robbed him of. No one deserves what he went through.

          When you inform me that you cannot possibly help out in any way because you are "too busy" to talk on the phone or to answer e-mail, that is not a conversation. Financial affairs really can be managed from a distance. Dialogue is needed, not monologue interrupted by occasional demands from you to send you some paperwork. Piss off.

     Yes, I reject the notion of the "disease concept" of addictions. Addiction is a condition with multiple etiologies which is treated by quasi-religion and pop psychology. Step right this way folks. Some [usually male and monotheistic] god of your understanding will fix it for you as long as you are willing to be fixed. And allow the good professionals enveloping you to "counsel" you on how to be compliant. You will be grateful. Deviance is suspect.

          Compliance is not an indicator of successful recovery. Cookie-cutter recovery has nothing to recommend for it. If I wanted pop psychology, I'd read a pop psychology magazine. Much cheaper than engaging in what passes for treatment these days.          

     Yes, I have re-written the twelve steps so that I can remain in recovery. My life is worth far more than the words of a dead man. That's just how it is. 

          I reject the notion that your god believes in me in spite of my unbelief. That's silly. We need more scientific research in addiction and in truly individualized treatment of folks seeking recovery. As atheism expands, more options will become available to those of us for whom pseudo-religious programs do not fit.

     Yes, there are thirty three medical causes of dementia. Some of them are reversible. Others are not. When your elderly parent is receiving hospice services, it is a pretty clear indication that recovery is not in the offing. 

          Offering me your hope that we will all be united in a fantasy heaven does not alleviate the reality that I am dealing with. Telling me that he may miraculously not die quite yet is cruel. Asserting that your god has a divine plan is bullshit.

          Lewy Body Dementia is terminal. Period.

A Stalking That Wasn't

     You know who you are.  You work with my housemate.  You make snide remarks to and about housemate during work, particularly during staff meetings.  Housemate has complained about these things.  Oh well.  

     Then, you had to push the envelope in a big way.  The other day, you didn't appear to notice that I was also there in the public venue when housemate went to say "hello" to you.  You have accused housemate of "stalking" you because we happened to be leaving the public venue at the same time that you were leaving.  Actually, we didn't even see you leaving.  What is your problem?

     All three of us hang out in certain places where the coffee pot is integral to the setting.  I have brain damage.  I am not brain dead.  I am aware of your discomfort with atheism.  I am not comfortable with your "new age" outlook.  So what?  This should not be a big fat hairy deal.  Neither of us have ever attacked your person because of what you believe.  Neither of us have ever called you names.  We are adults.  The places where we hang out are not schoolyards populated by bullies.  We disagree with some things that you say.  You disagree with some things we say.  A disagreement should not be perceived as a threat, period.  

     Your latest public complaint that my housemate was "stalking" you was both spectacular and puzzling.  Calling someone a troll or a big fat meanie fecal-encrusted head or disagreeable is quite different from claiming that someone was "stalking" you.  I know this particular claim of your is false because I was there.  I don't care for this latest drama.  If you really believe that housemate stalked you because we allegedly left at around the same time that you did, I invite you to register a formal complaint with the police.  Go right ahead. 

     Quite frankly, the second that my housemate reports any repercussions from your maniacal twisting of an ordinary event, I will be contacting our attorney.  Meanwhile, just stay away from both of us.  You mess with my housemate, you mess with me.


No Love,
sapphoq itching for a coffee 

 

These Truths I Hold: part 3

These truths I hold to be self-evident, in no particular order: Part 3:

50.  Atheism rocks.
51.  Believing in something just because it "feels" good or right or comfortable is not enough of a reason to believe.
52.  Believing in something just because others believe in it is not enough of a reason to believe.
53.  Evidence, evidence, evidence.
54.  Which god?
55.  Which collection of literature?
56.  Rewriting history does not change what actually happened.
57.  Science saves lives.
58.  Funny how I didn't spot the unicorn in Isaiah when I was a fundy.  I was willing to deal with a talking snake and a talking donkey.  I don't know what I would have done with a unicorn.
59.  Evolution is not something to believe in.  It is something that you accept or reject totally or in part.  There is a common misuse of the word "theory" as in "only a theory" when the word "theorem" might be better suited.

60.  Homosexuality does occur in nature.  Ask any farmer who has had experience with a bull that turned out to be homosexual.
61.  Strawberry plants, blue-green lizards in Arizona.
62.  Adults can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or asexual.  Sexuality is fluid, not static.
63.  Insisting that "we are born that way" cheapens the fight for civil rights for all civilians.  Some folks may have been "born that way" but we do not really know yet what makes people straight or not straight.  It's a science thang, not a morality/sinner thang.
64.  Adults can identify as male, female, androgenous.  It's called gender identification and it too is not a morality/sinner thang.
65.  Some babies are born with an intersexed state-- which means they may have the genitalia of both sexes present at birth.  
66.  Babies who have A.I.S. [Androgen Insufficiency Syndrome] are genetically male.  Because their bodies do not respond to androgen, they are by necessity raised as female.  100% of A.I.S. female adults are either bisexual or lesbian.
67.  Transfolks who take hormones in the process of correcting their gender to correlate with their perceived gender will sometimes have an un-looked for change in sexual orientation.  The basis for wanting what is referred to as a "sex change" in the vernacular is NOT sexual orientation, as was commonly supposed in the sixties and is still supposed in some circles now.  A genetically male transfolk who is attracted to women may find that she is attracted to men, or both women and men after she begins hormone treatments. 
68.  The majority of cross-dressers [who are not interested in "correcting their gender"] are heterosexual males.
69.  I am not interested in being "tolerated," "toleration", or "tolerance."  If you cannot celebrate me for who I am and I cannot celebrate you for who you are, then it might be wiser for each of us to not engage each other.  Celebrate Diversity.

sapphoq itching for a coffee says:  Whether or not the United States was started as a Christian nation, we are now multi-cultural.  As a nation of many peoples and cultures and backgrounds, we are not all fundamentalist Christians.  Religion ought not dictate politics.  The public arena should remain secular-- including city, state, county, and national government; public schools [if you want your kids to pray in school then please send them to a religious school of your choosing...]; federal lands; courtrooms; any place that accepts public funding should be bound by secular public laws.  The laws that govern us all should not enslave us.  Not all of us are believers.  Even among believers there are differences.  Please get out of my vagina.  Don't dictate to me who I love or what I do and I will have the courtesy and respect to allow you to love who you love and do what you do.

              

A Shout Out to H.L. Mencken

 "One of the most irrational of all the conventions of modern society is the one to the effect that religious opinions should be respected....That they should have this immunity is an outrage. There is nothing in religious ideas, as a class, to lift them above other ideas. On the contrary, they are always dubious and often quite silly." 

H. L. Mencken

Dude lived in Baltimore and admired Friedrich Nietzsche.

I've never lived in Baltimore (yet?) and I admire B.F. Nietsche.

Dude knew Sinclair Lewis and Theodore Dreiser.

I met Jonathan Kozol ["All the money spent for public education in America ought to come from federal taxes that are equitably distributed with adjustments only for greater or lesser costs of living in various sections of the nation and the greater educational needs of certain children."]-- yes, that Jonathan Kozol-- in Boston in January 1978.  It was after a Marshall Tucker concert.  I found his number in the phone book and he answered.  This led to him picking me up at the Little Copley and taking me to his brownstone where we spent several hours engaged in deep conversation.  This meeting was after he'd been to Cuba.  He showed me a poster from Cuba which authorities had allowed him to bring back to the United States after he explained that he needed "it to understand the Cuban people."

Dude loved Huck Finn and so did I, albeit I suspect for different reasons.

Dude wrote under various pseudonyms and so do I.

Dude's pseudonyms were never spoken of as "sock puppets" and mine certainly have been accused of being trollish in purpose.  [I neither embrace nor deny my inner troll nature in this post.]

Dude had a chemistry set at home when he was a boy.

My dad gave me one of them for Christmas one year but my mother decided that it was dangerous and threw it out.  [To my mother, almost all Christmas presents from my dad must have been somehow "dangerous" because she threw out almost all of them].

Dude like photography as a kid.

I got to know and love my cheap digital camera as an adult.

Dude was a famous writer.

I am a non-famous blogger.

Dude is one of the people I would love to have coffee with, along with Oliver Sachs [#1, sorry H.L., I hope you don't mind being #2], and Martin Millar and my paternal grandmother.

So, H.L. Mencken, here's my shout out to you.  I'm sorry that you still aren't around but I'm glad that you lived.  Thank you for being you!

sapphoq itching for a coffee